Final Fantasy Tactics: The Secret Pen-ultimate Scene – Spamfic

I recently bought myself the PSP version of Final Fantasy Tactics, The War of the Lions, to indulge in sweet nostalgia. To me, this is still the best Final Fantasy game ever. Best story full of political intrigue, death and dark betrayal. And the graphics were so cute too! ^_^;;

Anyways, playing this game again made me remember that when I originally finished it years ago, I actually wrote a Spamfic (Short fanfiction, usually comedy), and it was on my harddrive somewhere. So I dug it up, and had a bit of a laugh over it – my humour seems not to have changed even after so long it seems. You’ll see what I mean if you read it. I’ve left my original author’s notes in here as well. Though you’ll probably only get it if you’ve finished the game. 


After a bit of writer’s block (bleh), I suddenly had the urge to write about this idea I had after playing Final Fantasy Tactics and some lurking on agff. Maybe it’ll get me back in the mood for writing more. 

Maybe… (of course a bunch of assignments aren’t helping none >_<) 

FINAL FANTASY TACTICS: The Secret Pen-ultimate Scene. 

All relevant characters are owned by Squaresoft and stuff.

Warning: A touch of spoilers for the last boss.



It was a long hard battle, with many wounded upon the floating piece of whatever-it-was in some hell-like place. The twenty-foot-tall, dark, angel-demon-thing looked a lot-the-worse-for-wear, but it certainly had taken its toll. Brian, the anonymous half-ninja-half-chemist guy’s black-clothed corpse had almost crystallised, or at least it would in two more goes, while Agrias the Holy Knight was bleeding heavily from a piercing wound in the side of her crystal armour, indicating that she had only about 100 HP left. She staggered around blindly, her helmet on her head having been twisted the other way by the dark angel, Altima, as she used her  large, white Save-The-Queen Sword – pilfered from Meliadoul much to the Divine Knight’s annoyance – as a walking-crutch. 

Far in the corner of the battle-ground, Nancy the Dancer was relentlessly dancing her Wiznibus routine, spinning around in circles in the hope that the dark angel would get annoyed enough to lose another measly 30 HP each time it looked at her, but since Altima was a female – or at least she looked like it, who can tell these days? – it was not very effective. 

Of course, Orlandu the Holy “Cheating Bastard” Swordsman had only but a tiny nick in his gleaming crystal armour, although at the moment he was ineffective to the battle as Altima had (quite wisely) teleported away from the ridiculously over-powered Excalibur user. 

But unfortunately for the arch-angel, Altima had teleported within the vicinity of a certain blond, lightly-armoured figure with a weird ponytail, that was currently even more powerful than the “Cheating Bastard”. 

“Die! Mother bitch!” Ramza screamed heroically, giving himself yet another +1 damage to his physical, speed and mental abilities not to mention 10 more brave points ™. 

Altima could only look on in fear as she tried to float away. But since the little meter that indicated her CT at 0 was in the way, it was impossible. 

Ramza’s blue eyes flared like cold fire as he crouched slightly and leaped high into the air, gloved fists stretched out behind him as he arose into the evil arch-angel’s face. Then Altima screamed as Ramza delivered a fatal blow to her chest, his hard fist ripping right through her demonic chest in a shower of black blood. And since Ramza had “2 Swords” ability too, he struck with his other fist, punching into Altima’s face so powerfully, the head popped off with a squelching noise, and flew in a long parabolic arc before it fell to the ground and rolled off the side of the platform into oblivion. 

Ramza landed lightly in a light crouch, supporting himself with one palm upon the floor, and let out a sigh of relief. Behind him, the floating headless, demon-saint’s body decided it was dead and toppled over like a felled tree. 

“Go, Brother Ramza!” a beautiful blonde woman in a dress yelled out in happiness as she started running toward him. 

“Alma!” Ramza said in joyful weariness. He stood up and intercepted her in a giant hug, spinning her around. Alma laughed, tears of joy streaming from her equally-blue eyes. 

Meanwhile, Orlandu was trying to reach Brian’s inert body, holding a Phoenix Down in one hand. “Dammit!” he swore when he realised that the body had already turned to a blue crystal. Then shrugging, he said, “Oh well,” and walked into the crystal to heal his one lost hit point. 

Nancy was still dancing, albeit a bit dizzily now. “Is she dead yet?” she asked tiredly, brown-blonde hair whizzing about her as she spun around in spastic circles. 

“Yes, you can finally stop now,” Agrias replied, finally loosening her helmet enough to remove it. She threw it away in disgust as she freed her sweat-dampened blonde hair and then looked around eagerly for Ramza. Finally she could declare her love for him in true Knight’s honour, now that the quest had been accomplished. But when she turned in his direction, her mouth dropped open in surprise. 

Ramza and Alma lay in passionate embrace, faces locked together pashing madly. 

“R-Ramza,” Agrias said dumbly. 

Ramza and Alma jumped in surprise and then stood up in embarrassment. “This isn’t what it looks like,” they said simultaneously. 

“Err, Ramza my boy.” Orlandu looked pointedly at Ramza’s right hand. 

Ramza followed his gaze and found his hand still attached to the upper swells of Alma’s half-revealed breast in the top of her dishevelled dress. Startled, he let his hand drop away and attempted to recover. “How dare you stare upon the gentle person of my dear sister!” he declared. 

For a moment, Agrias, Orlandu and Nancy could only stare in silence at the blushing duo. They didn’t buy it.

Then Orlandu shook his hooded head. “Ramza, you poor sinful boy. No wonder you were so eager to rescue your sister … all this time we were searching for evil and it was underneath our noses all along.” He lifted his huge shining gold Excalibur sword out in front of him. “Brother and sister … I cannot allow it!” 

Agrias was in a jealous rage. “How could you Ramza? I am much more powerful than she is! Have you not seen how my Fire 4 compares to her puny magic? And my secret “Concubine” class is at level 7 while hers is a puny level 6!” She also lifted her shining white sword before her. Well, it was hers now since Meliadoul was sent to the ‘reject-bin’ along with all the crappy chocobos, Cloud and all the other anonymous characters that have never been used since their first try. 

“That’s nothing,” Nancy declared. “My “Whore” class is at level 8 mastered! I should get Ramza!” 

“No!” Agrias screamed. “And you shall die in folly beneath a Holy Knight’s sword! Steady Sword!” Her lips pulled back in a grimace as she swung Save-The-Queen and a stone-shaped burst of crystal erupted from the tip to engulf Nancy in a painful aura of energy. “How dare an anonymous female character try to take the property of a special story-based female character!” 

Nancy exclaimed a cry of pain but managed to survive the blast. “That’s it! And it’s supposed to be ‘Stasis Sword you bitch! Unknown Dance!” She stepped back and begun the random movements of the dance with provocative sways of her thinly-clad body. 

Meanwhile, Orlandu was running on the spot, his haste from his sword activated. “Ramza, I’m sorry my lad, but I cannot let such evil live! Lightning Stab!” He swung his huge sword in an overhead blow and two bursts of super-charged electricity were sent on Ramza and Alma’s way. 

But Ramza dived, taking his beautiful sister with him, dodging the two fatally-intended bolts of destruction. “Orlandu, stop!” 

“I cannot,” Orlandu said condescendingly, shrugging the folds of his green cloak back from his mighty sword-arm. “I am a Holy Swordsman and what you two have done is a sin that cannot compare to even the evil Altima’s doing.” 

“Okay,” Ramza said sadly, shaking his head, blond ponytail waving about on his shoulder. “Then I have no choice. Earth Slash!” His aura flared just before he sent a surge of ground-based energy at Orlandu with a downward strike of his right fist. 

Orlandu cried out in agony as he staggered backward from the assault. “Damn, I forgot you’ve been screaming at yourself for just about the whole battle,” he said in pain. “But you will still die as I am the most overpowered character in the game! Night Sword!” He swung his sword now glowing blackly and a spike of night-like vapour shot down from the heavens on to Ramza’s head. Ramza grunted as it sapped his HP and gave it back to Orlandu.

“Brother!” Alma cried in shock. She lifted her staff and set herself for a spell, long blonde hair rising up around her as she gathered power. “MBarrier!” Sparkles surrounded herself and Ramza, casting Regen and all this other cool stuff on the two of them. 

“Thanks, sis!” Ramza kissed her hard on the lips and then broke away to engage Orlandu in hand-to-hand combat. “Take this!” he screamed, giving himself yet another boost in power, and struck twice with his martial arts hoping for an instant kill. But Orlandu’s astounding HP and crystal armour just managed to let him survive the onslaught. 

“Hah!” Orlandu gloated weakly, blood dripping from the corner of his lip, “Now I shall counter!” But nothing happened as he stood there waiting. “What? $%^&%$#!!!! It didn’t counter! For that, DIE!” With a ringing of steel, he pulled out another Rune Blade in his free right hand. “Two strikes of my swords means you are dead, Ramza my boy!”

But before Orlandu could attack, Ramza cried, “Hamedo!” 

“God’s teeth!” Orlandu cursed, as Ramza attacked him instead with a hard fist into his belly, cracking the the crstal armour underneath with its vicious power. Blood exploded from Orlandu’s mouth, but as Ramza tried to strike again for the killing blow, the words “Miss” appeared out of thin air and Orlandu managed to dodge it. 

At that moment, Nancy’s body suddenly glowed brightly in multi-coloured sparks as her Unknown Dance kicked in. 

Streams of energy lanced out from her gyrating body in all directions. Two tried to go for Ramza and Alma, but they missed. Unfortunately though for Orlandu, one managed to hit him. In a bright glow of metamorphosis magic, his form shrunk until only a pile of clothes and cloak remained with a small green frog sitting within them. 

“Ribbit?” Orlandu said. 

Agrias cried as she saw one of the bolts heading for her next. Just before she was changed to a frog too, she yelled, “Crush Punch!” and a huge orange knife of energy erupted underneath Nancy’s feet like a volcano and she was ripped apart into two chunky pieces. 

But as Agrias gloated while she was changing to a frog, one piece of Nancy fell from the heavens and turned her into frog pancake. 

Finally, only Alma and Ramza stood on the battlefield, each hugging each other with one arm around each other’s backs. Well, Orlandu was there too, trying to attack Ramza’s boot, but that was soon stopped by a stomp and a wet squishing sound. 

Ramza looked into his beloved’s blue eyes, eyes that were as blue as his own. “I suppose we should be getting back to Invalice. Even though we’ll never be able to show our faces in public again.” 

“Yes, Brother Ramza,” Alma sighed delicately. “But first … it’s been so long and …” She smiled wickedly as she began to pull his light armour off. 

And you know what happened next… 



Hmmm … I was just thinking about who *would* be the best candidate for Ramza’s “partner” in the game and this resulted. After cycling through all the female characters in my head, it just seemed to me that Alma was the most-likely candidate despite her being his sister… and plus it explains why there was only Ramza and Alma riding away on Chocobos in the end and no one else from the group with them. After all, everyone knows that everyone dies in Final Fantasy Tactics *grin*. I just explained how the rest of them do too. 

By the way, don’t bother calling me a sick bastard because its hardly new knowledge for me ^_^. 

C&C, flames, laughter, whatever appreciated! 

And finally, cheers to Final Fantasy Tactics: Best Final Fantasy game ever (imo)! 

Ace Sanchez

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3 Responses to Final Fantasy Tactics: The Secret Pen-ultimate Scene – Spamfic

  1. lobotman says:

    Nice story plot there. I think your writers block has been remedied after this entry.

  2. Do you have the original source of this article or did you write it yourself? Looking for a citation for my paper. Thanks! -Micheline Pember

  3. I agree with pretty much all you said in your article, especially at the end of your article. Thank you, your post is very valuable as always. Keep up the good work! You’ve got +1 more reader of your great blog:) Isabella S.

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